Posted by Daniel Mayfield 4 comments

Well, its that time of year again where we all turn back to our primitive form of life. You know, the one where we begin to act a little more like animals. Yes, you guess correctly. I'm talking about the flu (Pronounced flew). 

Webster's dictionary defines the flu as, "Any of several virus diseases marked especially by respiratory or intestinal symptoms."

If your like me, you probably think that this definition can only be deciphered by people like Bill Clinton, Hillary, Paris Hilton, and a monkey. The truth is that your RIGHT! A recent news article by the Harrold Times stated the 99.86798999999999% (plus about 300 more 9's) of definitions given by Webster's left people scratching their head and even further lead to an increase in Dorito purchases. My point is this. I want to give all of you a 'real' definition of the flu (refer to beginning for pronunciation), and not just some gobbled together words arranged by former prisoners Paris Hilton, and Martha Stuart. 

So....Why? you I a credible source for this topic? Easy. I just got finished with the flu which is EXACTLY why I am up at 4:00 AM writing about it. 

First of all, I will alter the Webster's  definition to make it easier to understand. Ok, here it is, "Any of several forms of highly powerful farts, which can cause disease, marked especially by lots of snot, and a little brown spot in your underwear."

Now THAT is a good definition. 

Now that we have that out of the way, I will give you a little information about my previous flu experience. It all started last Sunday when I ate twelve pieces of Pizza from Mazzios. Everything was going great until I was at church and had to leave during the prayer to throw up fourteen pieces of pizza. The additional two pieces I had been saving in my stomach for a very special occasion. 

After throwing up I went and sat back down by my lovely fiance who was now only pretending to like me because my breath smelled like rotten nacho cheese. I told her about the two extra pieces of pizza and the gum that I found on the bathroom mirror. 

Later that night I laid on the floor by the fireplace farting my very own greenhouse effect. I alone will have to account for more than 70% of this years global warming. It was very hard laying there because I knew that nobody in my fiances house wanted me there. I could tell because people generally went through the other rooms only to avoid passing by me. Also, there was the occasional, "We don't want you here!", yelled by her parents. I drove back to school the next day.

Now I'm sure that most of you are thinking that this was cruel and confidence shattering. But NO! Thats what your supposed to do when someone else has the flu. Avoid them, Yell mean things, and spray Lysol all over their face while they watch TV. 

On the other hand, it is my job to call every member of my family who lives within a 600 mile radius and ask for whatever it is that I like. My sisters can attest. I believe I called them 600 times throughout my four day sickness. Anything you ask for is acceptable. These include medicine, gatorade, chicken noodle soup, a new X-BOX 360, etc. 

The flu is no fun guys. It's not fun missing class, sleeping all day, playing your new X-BOX, eating, and watching sports. It's just not fun.  

How was it? 

4 Responses

  1. Anonymous says:

    Daniel that is just gross! But I'm laughing hysterically, because that is what happened when my husband had the flu and now we have eight cans of lysol leftover. We had placed them throughout the house in every room so we could spray him when he entered and left. I hope you feel better soon and can stop all that relaxing and Xbox playing.

  2. Kristin says:


  3. 1000yds says:

    I'm crying. I was just thinking earlier today, "I hope Daniel writes a post about the flu." Like Homer says, "It's funny 'cause it's true."

  4. DM says:

    1000yds, Don't encourage the boy.
    Signed - His Dad

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