Posted by Daniel Mayfield 2 comments

We all love 'em. We aaaaaaallll love 'em. No, I am not talking about Bill Clinton, or even Donald Trump for that matter. I am talking about the In-Laws. We all have them (Unless your a loser who lives in your moms basement), and we all have to spend spring break with them. Actually most of us would never spend spring break with the In-Laws, but I thoroughly enjoy it. 

In-Laws, usually associated with embarrassing moments and long boring weekends, DO serve a purpose. What is this purpose? You ask. We'll to be honest I'm not really sure.  As previously stated, I am on spring break with my soon-to-be wife and her soon-to-be annoyed parents. We are spending spring break in Dallas because C, my fiance, is having some testing done for her epilepsy.

So far I have experienced one night in Oklahoma and a wonderful road trip to Dallas. 

Two weeks after I first met C's parents I thought I would impress them by walking on my hands (This technique of showing off has allotted to new marriages, presidential nomination, and a stinky room).  We were all gathered in her country kitchen peeling corn cobs and frying chicken when C said, "Hey Daniel, Why don't you show my parents how you can walk on your hands?"  I instantly received a sense of self-gratification when I thought to myself, "Yes, This will impress them!"  Hands above my head, and a classic gymnast stance, I dove forward. Hands to the ground, feet above my head, and a perfect stance. I began moving toward the floor with the tip of my nose, forming a perfect handstand pushup. Nose now on the ground, and every muscle in my body began to push myself back up. BBBBBMMMMPPPP! WHAT WAS THAT???!!! I fell back down to the floor and began to laugh a nervous laughter that continued on for five minutes.  I had 'let one rip' right in front of the people I was trying my hardest to impress. Mrs. F, C's mother, proceeded to say, "I was pooped just watching him! Not to say that he pooped. Well, I don't know, maybe he did."  I couldn't believe what just happened! I had ruined any possible chance of ever impressing them again. I was, as they say, 'One fart too far' from home (I actually just made that saying up). 

A few months down the road I was back on top of my game. I had managed to keep from talking about them behind my back (he he he get it?), and as it turns out, C's mom toots all the time. 

So, now that you have my family history, I can get on with the spring break story. 

I arrived to C's house about Ten Thirty Saturday night. I used to be greeted with a big hug from both parents and the dog but this time I was only greeted by the dog. Well, I take it back. I think Mr. F was sitting on the couch, and he may have slightly lifted his hand towards my generally direction (this of course means, "Hey, we have seen eachother a thousand times so lets stop acting excited about it."). I was actually pretty happy about it.  I had reached, what The New York Times calls, 'The Comfort Zone'.  This is the stage in your In-Law relationship when, I quote, "You begin to release various types of gasses without the following embarrassment." Roughly speaking this means that you actually act like yourself. 

Me and the fam have become so comfortable that they don't even need to make a bed for me anymore! Yes, I am now free to find a place to sleep. These areas include, the living room floor, sofa, kitchen table, etc. I was fortunate enough to find a couch with a couple of blankets through the dark living room. I slept well. 

Six AM comes faster than you think when you go to bed at Midnight!  I woke up to the sounds of a gentle breeze, coffee brewing, and my fiance singing.  Actually I woke up because C's father tripped over my suit case, which I stupidly left in the middle of the room, banged his head on the coffee table, and spilled his coffee (we are still not on good terms). 

Two hours later we were on our way to Dallas! Now if you grew up in the Mayfield family with me, you know that I can make car rides 'Fun'. Not really.  I am notorious for creating bad smells, drooling on the pillow, and singing the entire Ninety Nine Bottles of Beer On the Wall song. So, needless to say, C and I really 'Hit it Off' from the start (literally. Five minutes down the road Corbin was pushing me because I kept naming the cows on the side of the road.). Now I never mean to be, but apparently I can sometimes....Get annoying. I just don't understand it!  Despite all of that, my fiance thinks of me as an adventure, and she wouldn't have it any other way (code for, "You're driving me nuts!").

We stopped for church In Altus, lunch at McDonalds, and we were on our way. My fiance began playing with Tom Tom (our cars personal direction advisor) on the loudest setting of 'Jacques', the french speaking setting where a french man talks with that stupid accent. Yes, I knew it was bad when she drowned me out with the voice of a french pastry maker.  I decided to go to sleep. Six O'clock comes around and its time for church again. This time at a church where C's Ex-Boyfriend goes.  By this point I was out of my annoying mode and into my masculine manly hunter gatherer mode.  Basically I made sure to flex my muscles and spit a lot while he was around.  Everything went well.  I have a very true and faithful fiance. 

We left church and headed for our hotel. This time around I said very little. I was tired, and to the point that every person reaches at the end of a road trip, where you want to let out every bit of gas in your body. Luckily, a few moments before I exploded, we reached the hotel. We unpacked the car, brought everything to our room on the ninth floor, and released any trapped flatulence.  Actually everyone is asleep right now but I drank a huge cup of coffee. I'm sleepy now. I will continue to keep you updated on my spring break trip with the In-Laws. Good Night. 

How was it? 

2 Responses

  1. Jason says:

    Nice story. I hope you cleared the release of all that family information (toots) through the appropriate channels or I fear an especially rocky, in-law road ahead for you. You should probably also begin to consider places to live which are far away from them.

  2. Kristin says:

    I echo Jason's sentiments - I would kill you if I was your future mother-in-law!

Post a Comment