Posted by Daniel Mayfield 7 comments

Now I know that many of you are unsure as to whether the things I write about are funny or jus' plain 'ol egnoramous (Classic Cracker Barrel phrase). A recent email sent in by alert reader Ivan Jansen, 85, said that my stories generally leave him wondering where he is and how he got there (This could be due to the fact that he has Alzheimer's). But there is even further evidence that my stories are causing Alzheimer's. I assure you that my purpose for writing is NOT to cause memory loss or scratching of your posterior. 

The bottom line is that I'm just a plain old weird guy. There are many reasons as to why I am so weird including being homeschoold, raised by wolves, and banging my head when I was a baby. The most significant reason however, is that I was homeschooled. Lets face it people, homeschoolers are weird. Now I am able to say this without a riot from the homeschool community because I'm one of them. You however cannot say anything. You must treat us as though we are normal. So are there any positives to being homeschooled? I mean, homeschoolers are weird, don't know how to talk to the opposite sex, usually stink, and the list goes on and on. Despite all of these community hazards, homeschoolers are really smart. 

Homeschoolers are really good at science. Why? You ask, Are homeschoolers so smart? Well the answer is simple. Our brains are twice the size of a normal person! This is because we actually had to DO our school. If you have the slightest struggle in public school, you can switch over to the Special Ed class. In this class they take you back to the basics which include, coloring, snack time, and show and tell. All of these are CRUCIAL for proper cognitive development. The down side is that we are raising a generation of morons. Moron can be defined as, "Anyone or anything that cannot comprehend elementary principles, and/or Donald Trump." 

Ok folks, lets get back to the real reason for this article. Why are homeschoolers so darn weird? Well, an article sent in by alert reader Joseph Staph stated that homeschoolers are not getting enough outside contact. You know how bears go into hibernation for a few months each year? Well, homeschooling is similar to an eighteen year hibernation. So, do you pack up on all the food you think you will need for the next six months and then go to sleep? You ask. No no no no no. I didn't mean literally. I'm sorry, I forgot that most readers weren't homeschooled and don't understand analogies. Thats ok though. To put it into moron terms, we never got to go on a date. When I was being homeschooled I wasn't even sure what a 'girl' was. I mean, I think I saw one once, but it was out of the corner of my eye and it could have been a cat. THAT is why homeschoolers are so weird. 

One thing we need to give credit to is all of the mothers who put up with us. Half the time my mom was trying to school me I would be in my room talking to my imaginary friend Bill. This is when she would reach what we in the homeschool community call 'The Wrath of Mom'. This is basically when she went past her boiling point and the result was a series of spankings that didn't even hurt. They actually kinda tickled. Mother would realize that her spankings were nothing more than a tickle fight and she would tell us to wait til dad got home. Dad's spankings usually had the effect of ten years in prison or a date with Hillary Clinton. 

So homeschooling has its positives and negatives just like public school. If you go to public school you will be really cool and hip but never learn how to tie your shoes. If you are homeschooled you will probably win the nobel prize for some scientific finding but you'll never get a date. Maybe they should have multihome homeschooling so that we can be cool too. Don't laugh at me when I dress up for a Lord of the Rings convention. 

How was it? 

7 Responses

  1. Jason says:

    Nice. I for one will not feel sorry for you or treat you differently. I want you to overcome all the damage that homeshooling has caused. I went to a private Baptist school. We saw girls and got great education but we had to walk on opposite sides of the hall and girls had to wear pillows to hide their shape from our eyes.

  2. Kristin says:

    Hilarious - I actually laughed out loud! Seriously. It made up for all the times you aren't funny.

    I need to get Georgia involved in multi-home homeschooling. I don't think she is weird yet, but she certainly will be by the time we are done with her.

  3. Nancy says:

    I think homeschooling is great but i did worry about the weird factor. Truly though the reason I didnt do it is that I personally was not homeschooled and so, can barely tie my shoes! They have definitely turned out smart enough to homeschool THEIR kids one day so I could have weird grandchildren one day!

  4. Yes Nancy, the tying of shoes is very very difficult and requires several hours of work from an angry mother. You WILL have weird grandchildren regardless of being homeschooled. This is of course because they will all have robot friends, and drive around in hover crafts.

  5. Zack says:

    I'm glad that you received the fine education you had done received. You should be grateful that you weren't schooled by a family of gorillas who found you unattended in some Playstation 360 forsaken dung hut while your mother was away. That's what happened to that kid from the Jungle Book (possibly, since I do have an idea what that movie is about). I think his name was Mogley, and I'd bet my best spring chicken he couldn't much count nor even talk in human language. Which proves my point entirely.

  6. daniel long says:

    one of the best.

  7. Enforcer says:

    Thats great Daniel! There is one other reason you did not include why you may be so weird.......... your father may have something to do with it. LOL.

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