Posted by Daniel Mayfield 1 comments

Growing up in a home with a father who is a preacher amounts to a very interesting way of doing things. Given that we were a home full of humans (not angels), we still experienced many of the same emotions of those in homes around us. We just expressed them in completely different ways. My father would occasionally reach his boiling point of anger due to the lawnmowers dis-function and we would hear a series of loud yells filled mostly with the German words "Dad-Gummit!" I never really knew what they meant, but I always pictured a really mischievous father who would go around causing things to work improperly. For example, if my father dropped his wrench into a tight space under the sink, I pictured Dad Gummit coming along and knocking it out of my father's hand. This would then cause my dad to yell out his name in frustration. It all made perfect sense to me as a child.

There was also a really troubling puppy whose name was Gonnit. Yes, it was dog Gonnit. It seems that dad Gummit and dog Gonnit were always working together as a team. Both equally annoying, and always the reason for anything unfortunate happening.

As I got older more and more words became the reason for confusion. For example, dating was not allowed because of the birds and the bees. Obviously if the date was with the wrong person an epic war would break out between hornets and bluejays. I wondered who would win in a fight between the two.

Because of my rebellious nature I decided to test out this whole dating thing in order to validate my father's claims. I showed up to the date with a bird feeder, a bee keeper's suit, and a jar of honey. This young lady with a puzzled look on her face asked what on earth I was doing. "Oh, I just want to make sure I'm prepared for when the birds and the bees show up!" I said. Nothing was said from that point on. I kept waiting and waiting and nothing happened! Perhaps all of these fictional characters I'd pictured in my mind were not real at all!

I guess you can't take everything you hear literally. Like, when Obama says he's an American. Or, when they say the earth is getting hotter. These things are just figurative! I get it now.

How was it?