Posted by Daniel Mayfield 7 comments

In today's article we present: How to become the cool guy. Now I know that many of you are thinking that there is no possible way that you could ever become 'cool'. The truth is that many of us were raised by wolves so our idea of being cool consists of eating wild animals raw, and sleeping in caves. 


I was never the cool guy in high school or anywhere for that matter. I spent my time figuring out how to wear my pants above my belly button and how thick I could get my glasses. 1 inch. People used to call me squirrely Daniel. This is probably because I wore a large squirrel costume to school sometimes.  My point is this. No matter how hard I tried (and clearly I tried very hard), I just couldn't make it with the 'in' crowd. 

Before we delve into how to become cool, we need to make note of what makes a cool person 'cool'.

1. Wear your pants down to your knees, and if you can manage, wear them down at your ankles.

2. Always have a chain hanging from your back pocket to your front pocket. These chains are used to tie up bad guys and sling at your teachers when they are talking about going green (NO ONE CARES!).

3. Bling is a necessity. The more gold (its not real gold, its actually tin foil colored with a sharpie), and the more diamonds (plain rocks colored with crayons) you have, the hipper you'll be. 

4. Talk in very short sentences. For example, some girl that you really like walks up to you and says, "Hey Daniel, How are you doing?" Your reply would be, "Sup." She will probably proceed to tell you how much she loves your new boxers (which can be seen because your pants are down to the ground), or ask you out on a date. All of the girls will be in the bathroom giggling about how romantic you are. 

OK. So now that we have the basics down, we can begin being cool. 

Another possibility for being cool would be to join a club. No no no not a chess club! A sorority of some sort. In this case you will instantly become friends with hundreds of new people who just yesterday were shooting spit wads at the back of your head because your pants were too high. People will, get this, start calling you by your last name. Which brings up a good point. Your last name is waaaaay cooler than your first name. Unless of course you have a last name like, Weiner. In this case your probably better off not telling people you even have a last name. You can make up a story about how you came to earth from the planet Barple when you were ten. THEN, people will really like you. 

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Posted by Daniel Mayfield 3 comments

So I created this blog about ten minutes ago and I have to admit that it looks a little barren.  Please DO NOT worry! Do not harm yourselves! And please do not harm any of those little fuzzy things called Barples!  In due time I will be winning the Nobel Peace Prize for ending world hunger through my blog.  Ok, on to the more important things.  I have been thinking a lot about what I want to do for a career. Hmm...Dog Whisperer?..No...Manicure Lady? No...Proctologist?..No...I just cant figure out what I want to do!  This is not to say that Dog Whisperers, and Proctologists aren't great people of course.  Although I know not what I will do, I have However, narrowed it down a little. I do not want to sit at a desk all day long. EWW!  I want to get out and enjoy life while I work.  Given that small cubicles with a six inch desk space, a bulletin board, and a couple of erasers make a very VERY scenic view (I think I would rather sit on the toilet all day...).  I am very interested in law enforcement, and the jobs that involve national parks. Perhaps a Forest Ranger would be a good fit.  I am not quite sure but I am sure of this one thing!  God, regardless of what career choice I make, will provide. 

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