Posted by Daniel Mayfield 7 comments

In today's article we present: How to become the cool guy. Now I know that many of you are thinking that there is no possible way that you could ever become 'cool'. The truth is that many of us were raised by wolves so our idea of being cool consists of eating wild animals raw, and sleeping in caves. 

I was never the cool guy in high school or anywhere for that matter. I spent my time figuring out how to wear my pants above my belly button and how thick I could get my glasses. 1 inch. People used to call me squirrely Daniel. This is probably because I wore a large squirrel costume to school sometimes.  My point is this. No matter how hard I tried (and clearly I tried very hard), I just couldn't make it with the 'in' crowd. 

Before we delve into how to become cool, we need to make note of what makes a cool person 'cool'.

1. Wear your pants down to your knees, and if you can manage, wear them down at your ankles.

2. Always have a chain hanging from your back pocket to your front pocket. These chains are used to tie up bad guys and sling at your teachers when they are talking about going green (NO ONE CARES!).

3. Bling is a necessity. The more gold (its not real gold, its actually tin foil colored with a sharpie), and the more diamonds (plain rocks colored with crayons) you have, the hipper you'll be. 

4. Talk in very short sentences. For example, some girl that you really like walks up to you and says, "Hey Daniel, How are you doing?" Your reply would be, "Sup." She will probably proceed to tell you how much she loves your new boxers (which can be seen because your pants are down to the ground), or ask you out on a date. All of the girls will be in the bathroom giggling about how romantic you are. 

OK. So now that we have the basics down, we can begin being cool. 

Another possibility for being cool would be to join a club. No no no not a chess club! A sorority of some sort. In this case you will instantly become friends with hundreds of new people who just yesterday were shooting spit wads at the back of your head because your pants were too high. People will, get this, start calling you by your last name. Which brings up a good point. Your last name is waaaaay cooler than your first name. Unless of course you have a last name like, Weiner. In this case your probably better off not telling people you even have a last name. You can make up a story about how you came to earth from the planet Barple when you were ten. THEN, people will really like you. 

How was it? 

7 Responses

  1. DM says:

    I was cool way before being cool came about and being straight was good and being square was uncool.

  2. Daniel this is Silla and I just wanted to agree that not everyone's last name is cool, because my teachers last name is Heiny! Hahaha I almost burst out laughing everytime he says it or someone calls on him in class. Some people are just doomed from birth

  3. Oh I know Priscilla. I know.

  4. 1000yds says:

    Hilarious. Did you mean to say Sorority? Was that part of the humor? You should keep these in a portfolio and try to get a job writing a column for the local newspaper.

  5. Zack says:

    Also, you might have a last name which is only cool if people know how to pronounce it properly. Mine name for instance, Opheim, when pronounced wrong usually sounds like Ofeme. That's not cool. If I'm going to be called, "yo Ofeme," or "Yo Ofee" for short, I just might as well pull my pants back up and quit.

  6. Kristin says:

    Can you research how females can attain "coolness"? I don't think it would be appropriate for me to wear my pants around my knees.

  7. daniel long says:

    the first of the great posts from this blog. An instant epic classic.

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