Posted by Daniel Mayfield 5 comments

Have you ever noticed how the more expensive food is the more it starts to taste like crap? Fancy restaurants usually offer a total of three menu items of tiny proportions and are uncooked. I think people like to trick themselves into liking things based on how fancy it is. "Uh, I think I'll have the BLACK burnt coffee, with dark chocolate, and a side of fish eggs." Yeah, that sounds great. "Oh, and please throw in a couple of slimy uncooked oysters too."

Oysters? How about you just eat a giant booger? Cause that's what they taste like. "Please, sir, you would never understand...giant boogers are an acquired taste meant only for the richest people."

Recently I saw a post on facebook from a guy who asked the question, "Is there anything better than dark chocolate?? I think not!" A line of girls commented back and said things like, "OhMyGosh! You're so right!", or "I LOVE dark chocolate!" Seriously girls? We all know that you like milk chocolate way more. Dark chocolate is a fake version of real chocolate meant only for the richest and most acquired mouths. "Honey, pass me the dark chocolate and put on that music with the birds chirping in the background and the guy who talks instead of singing cause that's the good stuff that us rich people listen to." "We have good taste."

I also love how the fancier the car the uglier it is. "Sebastian, let's get in our 10 million dollar kleenex box and drive to the opera to watch the fat lady sing." It's in another language!!! You can't even understand them, but it's classy.

There's my rant.

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Posted by Daniel Mayfield 5 comments

Ah, the wondrous vibration of a cell phone in my pocket! What's that? Oh, it's a text message. I'll answer it later IF I want to. You see, communication today has many advantages over the years of past. Text messages, for example, are like conversations that you don't have to commit to! It's wonderful. I got a text earlier today from a person that I simply didn't care to talk with, so I ignored it. Next time I see this person I will act as though nothing ever happened.

I can only imagine what it would have been like if George Washington chose to ignore a text message. Only in this case it wouldn't be a text message, but a real face to face conversation. "Mr. Washington, the enemy is invading from the south and we need to act quickly!" "Lol," Washington says. "Ahhh, LOL."

I'm reminded of the time a family member texted me during December to say they were locked out of the house and really cold. I looked at my phone, laughed a quick one, and went on with my business. I could do this with a clear conscience because nothing serious happens in text conversations. This is with the exception of unresolved arguments that simply must be handled immediately during work meetings. Angry husbands have found many benefits to the text message arguments. Alert reader Kevin G wrote me recently regarding an argument he had been having with his wife about his spending too much time playing "Angry Birds" (a game of physics). Fortunately for Kevin, who is generally too slow to make a good come back while arguing in person, this fight was done through SMS text. You see, Kevin could search his brain for the perfect comeback and send it through as though it came right to mind. While his wife on the other hand couldn't type fast enough to tell him how much of a moron he was. This resulted in a victory on Kevin's part and an aneurism for the wife.

Teen girls, on the other hand, are having a hay day because they read into the text too far. Recently a sister of mine texted me to let me know she wouldn't be able to make it for dinner. I was fine with the decision so I replied with, "Ok." A few seconds later I got a text back that said, "OHMYGOSH Daniel! You are completely blowing this out of proportion!!! It's not like I wanted to miss dinner! Ugh!!!!" I had started a fight with absolutely no intention. Guys will never get it right, but at least we can take our time in responding in hopes that we come off as somewhat intelligent!

My advice to guys is to add lots and lots of smiley faces, exclamation points, and "haha's."

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