Posted by Daniel Mayfield 5 comments

Well, your probably all wondering what I do for a living besides making millions of dollars on my blog. A recent poll created by the New York Times stated that 45 percent of people thought I was an underwear model for Quick Trip, while the remaining 55 percent thought I was in jail for running around town wearing nothing but a dinosaur costume and goggles. The truth is that both of these are incorrect. 

I make my living doing landscape design architecture (pulling weeds and planting 'Bagonias') for a 250 year old lady who who lost her teeth.  Yes, I did receive my doctorate in nuclear (pronounced Noo-Cyuh-Ler) biology, and a masters in waste management from Harvard, but that is BESIDES the point. I prefer making 50 cents an hour from a 490 year old woman who's yard looks like a prehistoric jungle being taken over by large carnivorous plants. Lets face it people, the real joy comes from helping other people. And not just any people...old people. 

Ok. I need to be honest. This article i not really about landscaping, or the fact that I make a whopping four dollars for eight hours of work. It is about old people, and what makes them so unique. 

First, we need to define what exactly 'old' is. This debate has been going on for five thousand years now, dating back to Bible times when people lived for twelve hundred years. The original starter of this debate recently died in 1997. As we can see, there is no real definition of old. But, we can all agree on one thing. We know an old person when we see one. 

The first and most obvious old person factor is the smell. Smells generally range from a mixture of fluoride and toots (men), all the way to 6,000 containers of popery (walk into a bath and body works and you will experience the same effect). The latter is generally more painful for men. 

Secondly, is an over dramatic desire for cautiousness. This cautiousness can be seen in several scenarios. 

1. Old timers will drive aprox. 30 miles an hour under the speed limit. Sometimes 40 under. 

2. A walking pace will be close to that of an ant. 

3. Each morning will be started with 64 health vitamins (sadly many try and swallow all of these at once, which ironically results in bad gas). 

Now I myself have had many experiences with old people and I have come to the conclusion that trash cans are for waisting. Just the other day while working for the 560 year old lady I tried throwing away a few weeds I found in the garden, and without warning a 20 foot ruler slapped my hand. This ruler was of course coming from the old lady. Usually before I begin my work she will walk me around and show me what all she wants done. The other day she brought me over to a pile of broken glass, concrete, and plastic piping and told me all about how valuable everything was. I eventually had to sign a written document (sticky note with some scribbles) about how I would not discard any of the broken remnants. 

My point is this. Old people stink, drive slowly, and save everything. We have a big task in front of us. We need to stop aging. How will we do it? Easy. There are several brands of anti-aging potions for sale on Ebay right now. Good brands include Age-Be-Gone and Wrinkle Release.

How was it? 

5 Responses

  1. Heh. I can totally appreciate your sense of humour. And your sister said that you are strange. Silly lady. I will be back, I am sure.

  2. LizC says:

    Too funny! If I may add one more qualifier for being old...they keep lovely bowls of rotting fruit on their kitchen table, and expired foods in their fridge. (I guess this is part of not wanting to waste anything)

    (I found you by way of your sister's blog! Welcome to the Blogospere!)

  3. Tiff says:

    Made my way over from Grace Violet, you have a terrific way with words!

  4. I completely agree Liz, old people do leave rotting bowls of fruit on their table.

  5. Zack says:

    No wonder why the fruit at my grandma's house always tasted like fungus and made me feel drunk.

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