Posted by Daniel Mayfield 7 comments

Well men, I think we can all agree that women have a beautiful and wonderful way of expressing themselves (And of course by that i mean, I can not understand 98% of what they say).  And let me be the first to say that there is nothing at all wrong with it. I mean how crazy would it be for my fiance to actually say what she meant? For example,


Fiance: Ya know Daniel, lately I have had a bit of a fever in our relationship.
Me: Oh, well let me go get the robitussin. 
Fiance: Ugh! I knew you wouldn't understand! You never understand!
Me: Confused look, Ok, so...did you want the Tylenol PM instead?

In a world where men always had their way, the conversation would go like this,

Fiance: Hey Daniel I just wanted you to know that I want Pizza for dinner.
Me: Great, Domino's or Pizza Hut?
Fiance: Oh, whichever you want is fine. And after the Pizza I'll give you a two hour back rub.
Me: Ya, and then we'll play video games. 

Now, of course this will never happen (Unless Hillary Clinton gets into office, which in that case all women will be phasered into men by a giant laser) so we are all doomed.

Probably the most important part of a girls life is her wedding. Most women already had their wedding dress, colors, flowers, and lacy thing they wear around their leg picked out by the time they were two. Given that this is a very important part of a woman's life, we (men) need to give them full freedom with anything related to the wedding. Even if she insists that she needs a red convertible to drive down the aisle with. 

Seems simple right? WRONG! It gets much more complicated. Although our lady wants to have full control over the wedding, and what kind of wax she wants us to have done (because most men look like slightly tame Gorillas with underwear), we still must show her that we have interest. 

Fiance: Hey Sweetie, I was wanting to get your opinion on what color flowers would go best     with my dress.
My Thoughts: I wonder who would win in a fight, Batman or Godzilla?
Fiance: Daniel?
Me: Umm, yeah that one is good.
Fiance: I asked you what color would look best with my dress!
Me: Well, your dress is white, so white would be a good color...
Fiance: Great! So I guess we'll be going with red!

Now what we just saw men, is a real life situation of OurOpinyunDusentMatter.  This is a psychological disorder that not even the most scholarly psychologists understand. You see, women really don't care what we have to say about anything at all. They simply ask us because they know that whatever answer we give is always going to be the exact opposite of what her friend that she couldn't get a hold of would have said.  So, women being generally very intelligent (excluding Hillary Clinton, and Paris Hilton) use a mathematical reverse formula to get the answer they were really looking for. Now, if we really want to mess things up, we can start giving them the opposite answer of what we were really thinking. This of course is very dangerous and has never ended in anything less than divorce or a nuclear (pronounced NooKyuhLer) explosion. 

So, there you have it men. There is an extremely unique way that women have about them. We do not understand, and neither does David HasselHoff (former manly man). All we have to do is continue on in confusion, and leaving the top few buttons of our shirt unbuttoned. There is something very attractive about curly dark hair poking through the tops of our shirts. 

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7 Responses

  1. Nancy says:

    I'm guessing because you dont have kids yet that you don't know about the new Hasselhoff...he now goes by "the Hoff" and makes appearances on Spongebob Squarepants cartoon on Nickelodeon.
    I think this is his new way of becoming manly again.

  2. Kristin says:

    You are well on your way in your husband training; understanding that "youropinyundusentmatter" puts you ahead of most engaged guys. I don't think Kevin got that concept until last year.

  3. Actually Nancy, much to your dismay, I love spongebob. Probably my favorite cartoon on TV! And Kristin, given the fact that I know my opinion doesn't matter doesn't mean that I actually follow it. I get in trouble A LOT!

  4. Zack says:

    Another case in point:

    I says, "you know, honey, that flowery sconce in the entry way might be better replaced with a picture I just drew of a dwarven ninja warlock suplexing a crocodile into a lava pit." Like always, she doesn't even have the courtesy to consider that I've studied such fighting maneuvers and could most likely easily perform such myself to protect her very life -but that's beside the point. The real question is why don't men have a say in anything these days? Why must every defensible idea I bring up be countered with, "I've got a cookie for a certain someone," as if that makes me altogether forget my suggestion in the longrun. And why, for the love of quality cinema, can't movie night ever include films such as 'Hellboy II' or 'Combat Secrets: Improving your throatpunch'? Each man should and someday will have a say, even if that say must be won by means of, for example, a Guitar Hero competition on the hardest setting.

  5. Excellent point Zackary.

  6. Autumn says:

    Very interesting post Daniel. Now you just need to understand that the reason your opinion doesn't matter is simply because she is ALWAYS right. I will not go into detail about why this statement is 100% true but you should know that your marriage will be long and happy if you just accept it now.

  7. Elizabeth says:

    I'm with Autumn. Why complain about not getting any say if it's been proven time and time again that the woman knows best, and your 'say' is usually wrong? When you're married, you don't need wikipedia, a therapist, a dictionary, a 'life coach,' an encyclopedia, or any other knowledge-dispensing-apparatus. You have a wife, and she knows best.

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