Posted by Daniel Mayfield 6 comments

I must say, this month of March has been complete madness. This is due to the fact that it's March Madness, a month of mayhem basketball declared by George Washington. Originally, March Madness was all about how many turkeys could be shot by the pilgrims. Given the excess amount of turkeys they decided to make up a holiday that allowed us to eat them. This holiday, of course, is thanksgiving as we know it today. 

Despite thoughts of thanksgiving turkey, and mother's voluptuous stuffing, we need to get back to what this article is really about, woman's basketball. Has anyone reading this article ever actually watched woman's basketball? A recent poll taken by Jeremy Harber, a statistician for the New York Times says, "Nearly 99 percent of people watching woman's basketball, only do it for the laughs." This is true concerning myself as well. Tonight, I had the privilege of watching Louisville take on the most popular Baylor. 

The game went something like this: Large, hefty girl in the white shirt gets the ball. She runs quickly towards the basket where all of the other girls are huddled in a tight knit group, braiding each other's hair, under the basket. Large and Hefty then proceeds to toss the ball aimlessly into the air, while throwing her whole body into the pile of girls, resulting in a pile of oversized mean girls. After the girls dust of their shorts, they tromp back down to the other end of the court, similar to a stampede of oversized turkeys. Big Red (as me and my roommate nicknamed her) proceeds to take a shot from the three point line. Her vertical jump is about 3 inches, but the vertical jump of her oversized backside is easily a foot. Needless to say, she didn't make the shot. In fact, the ball didn't even come near the goal. It simply flew over the heads of her teammates and landed somewhere on the sidelines. "That was a close one!", said the spokeswoman. Because, in woman's basketball, that WAS a close one. 

These woman, on average, are about eight feet tall, and have the features of Goliath. The only clue as to whether your even watching 'woman's basketball' is seen on the top of the screen where it says, "Woman's NCAA Basketball." Anyways, the size of the hands on these woman are almost scary. The ball fits into their palm like a golf ball would fit in mine. When looking for a girl, I always checked to make sure she didn't have man hands. 'Man Hands', as seventeen magazine calls them, are defined as thick callused fingers, that can penetrate any hard surface, including Donald Trump's hair piece. If your a guy, you don't want to end up with a girl who has manly hands. Imagine sitting there with her, holding hands, and you look down and say, "WHOA! Which one's mine!" It's confusing for you, and heartbreaking for the girl. This is why tall girls with big manly bodies, and Man Hands, will ALWAYS end up with an even taller more manly guy than she already is. These two people will spawn and create a new generation of even bigger people. It's scary to think that in several years, if we don't stop Global Growing, our world will be completely run by giants who will tell us what to do, and give us spankings if we don't listen to them. 

Giants are already taking over in many areas of the world. Avid reader Martha Spooner, sent in an article stating the problems that giants are creating over in China:

"Six foot tall humans, towering two feet above the average Chinese, are reportedly  demanding tennis shoes at discount prices. Communist leader Xiao Zei Kui (no known  pronunciation) says, "There is simply nothing we can do about these giants. They are too big for any form of execution we practice."

Many alert readers fear that we Americans will soon feel the effects of giant people. As a result, I am calling on all of you who are friends with, or know someone who is friends with a giant. You must set the giant up on a blind date with a midget. At first, it will be awkward, because the giant will have to carry the midget. But, they will certainly fall in love and create a normal sized kid. We NEED your help! Please, if you even care slightly about the future of this country, help to stop Global Growing. It is an epidemic that is a result from too much flatulence in the atmosphere. Plant a midget, grow a normal sized kid, and most of all, learn to love the Earth. 

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6 Responses

  1. Jason says:

    I love the little surprise transition from a frivolous rant to the serious problem of global growing. Nicely done. Also, having travelled abroad many times I don't know if you know how funny that paragraph about Six foot tall humans demanding tennis shoes at discount prices really is. I've been there and that's funny.

  2. Thanks Jason! I feel like we can be friends again. Ya know it wasn't long ago that you compared my fiance to a stuffed unicorn doll. It hurt, but after your new comment, I feel like I can forgive you.

  3. daniel long says:

    You're second worst one. Still funny, thus I ranked it as a funny. However, I think it is your second least funny entry.

  4. Jason says:

    Previous comment still stands as fact. You claim to have a close female realtionship but are only involved deeply in the world of webkinz. I still love you.

  5. Zack says:

    Thank you for this penetrating glimpse into the reality global growing. I can also attest to the harrowing truth you mentioned. One time I asked a store keeper for his largest set of wang feng shoes (at discount price), but the man just screamed at me while pointing to the door, "zhe nagga wagga skugga," or something along those lines. When I refused to leave, he finally cobbled for me a set of shoes out of cardboard boxes that were originally used to store baby elephants. He then offered me money to just leave, after which he wept bitterly.

  6. Nancy says:

    I live in a city filled with large children. All my teen daughters friends are well over 5'10" My own kid thinks she is short, and she is 5'8". Recently though the 4th grade volleyball team my younger daughter joined seemed populated by up and coming amazons. My daughter said, "none of those girls clapped for me when I served the ball really good!" I told her of course they didnt honey...those are large manly girls, they dont clap for things like that. Clapping is bad and wimpy and so when you are here...just try to be as tall and...puffy as you can, so you can fit in.

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