Sigh, Let's face it. You're a middle aged loser who lives with your mom and you play Dungeons and Dragons avidly. "There's no hope for me." You say, sadly. "I mean, I DO have Pokemon gold edition, and I DID win the Chess tournament."
You often find yourself in a dreamland, where you're free to ride unicorns and rollerblade with Rosy O'Donnel through the clouds. You're only desire is to be loved. Well, frankly. You will never be loved...You're just too, weird.
The chance of anyone ever even liking you is slim to none. You're ugly, fat, and mean. And you are poor.
Does this sound like you? Do you have a friend? A dog? Does Michael Jackson keep in close contact with you? If so, then you are a loser. I'll be honest with you. No sane person would ever marry you, unless she were from Russia.
Parents have created, what The Miami Harold likes to call, "The Mullet Generation." These people have actually de-evolutionized into a form of animal that almost looks human. They are generally caucasian, and have ferrets as their pet of choice.
Approximately two thousand alert readers sent in an article about an apparent "rabid mullet man", who ran down the street in Syracuse N.Y., flaunting his mullet, and chasing people with his ferret. New York police officers handled the situation by tackling the mullet man while he "tried to purchase an ice cream cone." According to the New York Times, "The ferret was not harmed during the attack, and it has now been placed in a ferret adoption agency in downtown Syracuse." According to ferret trainer Jana Bleming, "Farry, the ferret, has been a great addition to our family here at Ferret World."
I think that from now on, we should make every effort to be as nice to these weirdos as possible, while maintaining a safe distance of at least 14 miles.
This is why man invented mail order brides. Russian woman are ready to be in America where the men are rugged. Where the manly, bulging men, walk around being bulgy.
Men men men! There is hope! If you cannot find a woman who likes you, just simply purchase one online. The timing is right, the economy is in the toilet, and now is the perfect time to buy.
Avid reader and mail order bride specialist Bryan Murphy has a story of his own that he would like to share:
I tried dating, I tried online dating services, I even asked a girl to marry me! But that stuff wasn't for me. I mean, it's OK if you wanna date and put all that work into it and stuff. But seriously, I chat online with Olga for like six hours a day. Things are getting pretty serious. We have been communicating for three years now and I'm pretty sure she's the one. I'm gonna buy her.
Can't you see, There is no NEED to keep on being lonely! Do it for yourself, do it for the economy, and do it for your mom. There are a few things you may need to know before purchasing.
1. Her voice will be deeper than yours.
2. She will live at home and eat mostly cookies.
The deep voice can be solved with helium. So there is no need to worry there. The only concern I have is the cookies. Commonly men have created a rewards program to keep things in check. You simply purchase a giant hamster wheel, put her in it, and let her eat a cookie after three hours of wheeling.
Listen, guys. I'm just a news reporter. I simply report the facts. So what are you waiting for? Get out there and purchase yourself a wife!