Posted by Daniel Mayfield 12 comments

Sigh, Let's face it. You're a middle aged loser who lives with your mom and you play Dungeons and Dragons avidly. "There's no hope for me." You say, sadly. "I mean, I DO have Pokemon gold edition, and I DID win the Chess tournament." 

You often find yourself in a dreamland, where you're free to ride unicorns and rollerblade with Rosy O'Donnel through the clouds. You're only desire is to be loved. Well, frankly. You will never be loved...You're just too, weird. 

The chance of anyone ever even liking you is slim to none. You're ugly, fat, and mean. And you are poor.

Does this sound like you? Do you have a friend? A dog? Does Michael Jackson keep in close contact with you? If so, then you are a loser. I'll be honest with you. No sane person would ever marry you, unless she were from Russia. 

Parents have created, what The Miami Harold likes to call, "The Mullet Generation." These people have actually de-evolutionized into a form of animal that almost looks human. They are generally caucasian, and have ferrets as their pet of choice. 

Approximately two thousand alert readers sent in an article about an apparent "rabid mullet man", who ran down the street in Syracuse N.Y., flaunting his mullet, and chasing people with his ferret. New York police officers handled the situation by tackling the mullet man while he "tried to purchase an ice cream cone." According to the New York Times, "The ferret was not harmed during the attack, and it has now been placed in a ferret adoption agency in downtown Syracuse." According to ferret trainer Jana Bleming, "Farry, the ferret, has been a great addition to our family here at Ferret World."

 I think that from now on, we should make every effort to be as nice to these weirdos as possible, while maintaining a safe distance of at least 14 miles. 

This is why man invented mail order brides. Russian woman are ready to be in America where the men are rugged. Where the manly, bulging men, walk around being bulgy. 

Men men men! There is hope! If you cannot find a woman who likes you, just simply purchase one online. The timing is right, the economy is in the toilet, and now is the perfect time to buy. 

Avid reader and mail order bride specialist Bryan Murphy has a story of his own that he would like to share:

I tried dating, I tried online dating services, I even asked a girl to marry me! But that stuff wasn't for me. I mean, it's OK if you wanna date and put all that work into it and stuff. But seriously, I chat online with Olga for like six hours a day. Things are getting pretty serious. We have been communicating for three years now and I'm pretty sure she's the one. I'm gonna buy her. 

Can't you see, There is no NEED to keep on being lonely! Do it for yourself, do it for the economy, and do it for your mom. There are a few things you may need to know before purchasing. 

1. Her voice will be deeper than yours.

2. She will live at home and eat mostly cookies. 

The deep voice can be solved with helium. So there is no need to worry there. The only concern I have is the cookies. Commonly men have created a rewards program to keep things in check. You simply purchase a giant hamster wheel, put her in it, and let her eat a cookie after three hours of wheeling. 

Listen, guys. I'm just a news reporter. I simply report the facts. So what are you waiting for? Get out there and purchase yourself a wife!

How was it? 

12 Responses

  1. DM says:

    Wow, I'm glad I came before the mullet generation and found myself a bride the old fashioned way. Poor hamsters.

  2. Nancy says:

    I am afraid of the rabid mullet man now! So much so that I have alerted my facebook friends...

  3. Yes, Nancy, there is good reason to fear the "rabid mullet man." Scientist at the University of Pennsylvania are researching his biomedical makeup as we speak. According to Jim Vance, a researcher at the University, "It appears as though he is a mixture between a hamster, and the eighties pop sensation, Madonna." For now, I suggest you keep a watchful eye on any suspicious buyers of eighties music.

  4. Jason says:

    May your days be filled with events that inspire your prolific writing.

  5. Kristin says:

    You forgot about an important aspect of this man's life: his mother. She will always be the number one woman in his life.

  6. Yes, agreed Kristin. Similar to how dad will always be the most important man in your life.

  7. Jason says:

    As I am quite close to Daniel I am in a position to know that contrary to his photo 'evidence' on the blog, Corbin is merely the name he has given to his Webkins unicorn doll. I take no pleasure in exposing that you're number-one-girl is a stuffed toy, Daniel, but your hypocrisy towards Kristinn left me no choice.

  8. Just know, Jason, I monitor your comments, and I can take you down if I so wish!

  9. Bridgett says:

    Found you through Nancy (after she mentioned the crazy mullet man on Facebook).

    What about poor women who're looking for husbands? Are Russian men small with high voices? :)

  10. Yes, Bridgett, poor women looking for husbands is a very important topic that needs to be discussed. Russian men can be compared to small, feeble, old woman.

  11. daniel long says:

    this post is one of the best of all.

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