Posted by Daniel Mayfield 4 comments

What would you do, and we've all asked ourselves this question, if a giant mosquito landed on your computer screen while you were on facebook? Well, two questions arise when asked this question:


Q: How big was the mosquito?

A: Big enough to eat a regular sized mosquito.

Q: Is there a rock band called 'The Giant Mosquitos'?

A: Probably.

I'm sure many of you have never seen the size of an Oklahoma Mosquito. They aren't technically mosquitos, they are mosquito eaters. Meaning that they have mouths big enough to eat a mosquito whole. Meaning that they could bite a small portion of the tip of my pinky. I, being a logical person, understand that the mosquito probably doesn't have any real power to harm me. But, this does not mean that I didn't throw my computer across the room, and scream when one landed on my screen.  "Ohmygosh!", I yelled. I ran to the table, and proceeded to find the largest section of the Newspaper, in which I rolled into a common weapon of choice when it comes to smacking bugs. 

Now, if you've ever watched a bug very closely, you know they can't sit still (can't fly still). This is similar to a common fourth grader who forgot to take his riddlin. After a few minutes of running around my apartment, wearing only a pair of boxers, and smacking violently at what appeared to be an invisible spot on the wall, I realized that people were outside my window watching me. There was nothing I could do to explain my behavior, so I closed my blinds. 

Real men, are similar to girls, in that we are very afraid of small bugs, and enjoy watching WifeSwap. An alarming post sent in by avid reader Blair McCoy said that, "Nearly 98% of men are afraid of Monsters." This point is further solidified by what happened last October when my fiance and I decided to visit a haunted house. It was actually a haunted corn maze. Nearly thirty seconds after we entered the pathway, a man dressed up like Jason ran after us with a chainsaw. I screamed, pushed my fiance into the mud, and took off down the path, only to be stopped by a giant clown who chased my back to her. I told her that it was a joke, and I had a surprise for her.

As it turns out, being afraid of bugs, is actually an attractive quality. Many women agree that the traditional 'rugged' man is out of style, and soooo last year. This is why there has been an increase in male model agencies. Amy BorgSchnobel, a feminist from Connecticut says, "I just like it better when the woman goes to work and the father stays home." Many woman believe that they make better, more efficient soldiers than men. Sgt. Stephanie Hoss, from the National Guard, says, "Woman are just better fighters. We are stronger, smarter, and have bigger biceps." Stephanie says, "The first thing I'll do as Sgt. is get rid of these horrid outfits. I'm thinking pink and yellow will match me new shoes!"

"So, why?" You ask, "are men and woman deciding to switch roles?" The truth is, Aliens from space used a powerful laserbeam to turn men into girls. So, unless we can raise enough money to build a laserbeam into outerspace to kill the aliens, and to help spread the word of God, we have no hope. Men have reportedly begun to have an interest in fashion, and makeup, something that Scientist thought genetically impossible.  Governor of California, and former body builder, Arnold Schwarzenegger, refers to these people as, "Girly men." 

Sadly, these genetically altered "girly men" are good for nothing. According to the New York Times, "These men are weak, lazy, scrawny, and whiny. They simply cannot perform a task without crying about how hard it is. And their sense of fashion sucks." Apparently these men won't be working for 17 Magazine, am i right??? 

I'm sorry women. A recent pole indicated that there were only 27 'real' men left in the world, one of which I am. Avid reader Jay Goss says, "I just can't help but be interested in unicorns and my favorite color PINK!" 

Ready to build that laserbeam?! 

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4 Responses

  1. Bridgett says:

    I read something recently about how the male species was decreasing rapidly.

    It's okay. I've always wanted to be a lesbian anyway.

    And btw, I think I just about peed my pants picturing you pushing your fiance in the mud when Jason started chasing you. :)

  2. Jason says:

    There is one place on earth where men are becoming more savage. West Virginia. However, since this is due to the genetic ill-effects of family intermarriage there are many, many undesirable mutations which accompany the savageness. For example, and not the least of which is an increased prominence of mullets.

  3. Nancy says:

    hey i think that laser missed my husband, probably because he took off his hi-vis shirt for five minutes and thats when it all happened. He likes bugs and chasing me and my daughters with them. He doesnt believe monsters exist and is not good at comforting people at all ever, he tries to buy us things when we are scared of monsters and enjoys the phrase "whose your daddy" I would like to shove him in front of an alien laser next time it appears. Might take him down a notch.

  4. daniel long says:

    one of the best you've done.

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