Posted by Daniel Mayfield 2 comments

You don't think of Monopoly (the board game) being a self esteem booster or a game that ruins your image of self worth, but an alarming study done by Yale University leads us to believe that the outcome of a monopoly game has significant effects on our self image and possibly even cancer.

Recently while playing Monopoly with a couple of college buddies I was able to further solidify the study done by Yale. Men HAVE to win or else we slump into a deep depression which can only be reversed by causing another player to go bankrupt. This is all very true stuff. I have to admit that my attitude while playing was somewhat shameful now that I look back and see it in clear light. I legitimately started having hateful thoughts of my best friends when I landed on one of their properties stamped with a hotel. This is especially true when landing on 'Boardwalk' or 'Park Place' which are considered to be one of the highest esteem boosters in the monopoly business. This is of course true because any time someone lands on them while they are inhabited with large red hotels the checkbooks are emptied and the wallets cleared out. This creates an interesting phenomenon among the players. I will try and break it down in an understandable way.

Owner of Boardwalk: Self Esteem is boosted as demonstrated in Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs

Debtor to Boardwalk: Feels depressed/develops restless feet syndrome (a condition that can only be solved by the most powerful medicines)

Bystanders: If you are a bystander you genuinely feel badly for the person landing on Boardwalk

I'm going to go out on a limb and be completely honest with all of you. I lost that game of monopoly. I was the guy landing on hotels struggling through my small remaining bills and mortgaging all of my properties simply to pay for a forced night on the Boardwalk. I know what your thinking, "How can such an intellectual, rugged, and dare I say handsome guy lose in a game of monopoly?" I understand your disbelief completely. Much to my dismay, being handsome has literally no effect in the outcome of monopoly.

And what's more surprising than that is that no two people play monopoly the same. It appears that the rulebook is too large or to difficult to comprehend that Americans have simply made up their own rules to the game. This is proven by the fact that every family in America have their very own set of rules that go into effect immediately upon entering their home. Last night after sneaking past my friend when I landed on his property I was asked to either leave the game or pay him the money. Embarrassment, guilt, and beguile all flooded my emotions at different angles. This caused me to squeak out a little toot. Although the rulebook states that 'sneaking' is legal, his house rules came into effect rendering me bankrupt.

It is a proven fact that losing this game actually makes you feel bad and begin to question why your even continuing on with any further goals you've set. These things are all very true! I'm not making it up. I seriously think monopoly can make or break a person. This gives justifiable understanding to people like Martha Stuart who simply "cheated" in a game of "monopoly". Of course, she tried to use a get out of jail free card until she realized that she wasn't playing the board game anymore. Or people like Osama Bin Laden, who simply took the game of "risk" a little too far.

In closing, be sure to know the house rules before playing, and keep in mind that you may lose all dignity rendering you a pointless vegetable, much like Michael Moore.

How was it? 

2 Responses

  1. DM says:

    OK, I know what you mean about Monopoly. The loser feels horrible like he is worthless. And the losers closest friend or family member genuinely feels grief for him. And the loser is all puffed up like he's been playing the real game of life. I have played the game enough and witnessed these things enough to know it is universal. There may be something diabolical in the making of the game. Stay away from it.
    By the way, who had such stupid house rules that you can't sneak by? That's just dumb. everyone knows you can sneak by.

  2. Anonymous says:

    One time when I was 3 my mom cut my hamburger in half. This angered me because it implied that I was not big enough to eat a whole hamburger. So I cried and threw the hamburger on the floor.

    I find that monopoly likewise makes me want to cry and overturn the monopoly board, or angrily mix everyone's money together, or call the other players greedy faggots.

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