Wedding Planner

Posted by Daniel Mayfield 7 comments

Well men, I think we can all agree that women have a beautiful and wonderful way of expressing themselves (And of course by that i mean, I can not understand 98% of what they say).  And let me be the first to say that there is nothing at all wrong with it. I mean how crazy would it be for my fiance to actually say what she meant? For example,


Fiance: Ya know Daniel, lately I have had a bit of a fever in our relationship.
Me: Oh, well let me go get the robitussin. 
Fiance: Ugh! I knew you wouldn't understand! You never understand!
Me: Confused look, Ok, so...did you want the Tylenol PM instead?

In a world where men always had their way, the conversation would go like this,

Fiance: Hey Daniel I just wanted you to know that I want Pizza for dinner.
Me: Great, Domino's or Pizza Hut?
Fiance: Oh, whichever you want is fine. And after the Pizza I'll give you a two hour back rub.
Me: Ya, and then we'll play video games. 

Now, of course this will never happen (Unless Hillary Clinton gets into office, which in that case all women will be phasered into men by a giant laser) so we are all doomed.

Probably the most important part of a girls life is her wedding. Most women already had their wedding dress, colors, flowers, and lacy thing they wear around their leg picked out by the time they were two. Given that this is a very important part of a woman's life, we (men) need to give them full freedom with anything related to the wedding. Even if she insists that she needs a red convertible to drive down the aisle with. 

Seems simple right? WRONG! It gets much more complicated. Although our lady wants to have full control over the wedding, and what kind of wax she wants us to have done (because most men look like slightly tame Gorillas with underwear), we still must show her that we have interest. 

Fiance: Hey Sweetie, I was wanting to get your opinion on what color flowers would go best     with my dress.
My Thoughts: I wonder who would win in a fight, Batman or Godzilla?
Fiance: Daniel?
Me: Umm, yeah that one is good.
Fiance: I asked you what color would look best with my dress!
Me: Well, your dress is white, so white would be a good color...
Fiance: Great! So I guess we'll be going with red!

Now what we just saw men, is a real life situation of OurOpinyunDusentMatter.  This is a psychological disorder that not even the most scholarly psychologists understand. You see, women really don't care what we have to say about anything at all. They simply ask us because they know that whatever answer we give is always going to be the exact opposite of what her friend that she couldn't get a hold of would have said.  So, women being generally very intelligent (excluding Hillary Clinton, and Paris Hilton) use a mathematical reverse formula to get the answer they were really looking for. Now, if we really want to mess things up, we can start giving them the opposite answer of what we were really thinking. This of course is very dangerous and has never ended in anything less than divorce or a nuclear (pronounced NooKyuhLer) explosion. 

So, there you have it men. There is an extremely unique way that women have about them. We do not understand, and neither does David HasselHoff (former manly man). All we have to do is continue on in confusion, and leaving the top few buttons of our shirt unbuttoned. There is something very attractive about curly dark hair poking through the tops of our shirts. 

Landscaping

Posted by Daniel Mayfield 5 comments

Well, your probably all wondering what I do for a living besides making millions of dollars on my blog. A recent poll created by the New York Times stated that 45 percent of people thought I was an underwear model for Quick Trip, while the remaining 55 percent thought I was in jail for running around town wearing nothing but a dinosaur costume and goggles. The truth is that both of these are incorrect. 


I make my living doing landscape design architecture (pulling weeds and planting 'Bagonias') for a 250 year old lady who who lost her teeth.  Yes, I did receive my doctorate in nuclear (pronounced Noo-Cyuh-Ler) biology, and a masters in waste management from Harvard, but that is BESIDES the point. I prefer making 50 cents an hour from a 490 year old woman who's yard looks like a prehistoric jungle being taken over by large carnivorous plants. Lets face it people, the real joy comes from helping other people. And not just any people...old people. 

Ok. I need to be honest. This article i not really about landscaping, or the fact that I make a whopping four dollars for eight hours of work. It is about old people, and what makes them so unique. 

First, we need to define what exactly 'old' is. This debate has been going on for five thousand years now, dating back to Bible times when people lived for twelve hundred years. The original starter of this debate recently died in 1997. As we can see, there is no real definition of old. But, we can all agree on one thing. We know an old person when we see one. 

The first and most obvious old person factor is the smell. Smells generally range from a mixture of fluoride and toots (men), all the way to 6,000 containers of popery (walk into a bath and body works and you will experience the same effect). The latter is generally more painful for men. 

Secondly, is an over dramatic desire for cautiousness. This cautiousness can be seen in several scenarios. 

1. Old timers will drive aprox. 30 miles an hour under the speed limit. Sometimes 40 under. 

2. A walking pace will be close to that of an ant. 

3. Each morning will be started with 64 health vitamins (sadly many try and swallow all of these at once, which ironically results in bad gas). 

Now I myself have had many experiences with old people and I have come to the conclusion that trash cans are for waisting. Just the other day while working for the 560 year old lady I tried throwing away a few weeds I found in the garden, and without warning a 20 foot ruler slapped my hand. This ruler was of course coming from the old lady. Usually before I begin my work she will walk me around and show me what all she wants done. The other day she brought me over to a pile of broken glass, concrete, and plastic piping and told me all about how valuable everything was. I eventually had to sign a written document (sticky note with some scribbles) about how I would not discard any of the broken remnants. 

My point is this. Old people stink, drive slowly, and save everything. We have a big task in front of us. We need to stop aging. How will we do it? Easy. There are several brands of anti-aging potions for sale on Ebay right now. Good brands include Age-Be-Gone and Wrinkle Release.

Popularity Contest

Posted by Daniel Mayfield 6 comments

In today's article we present: How to become the cool guy. Now I know that many of you are thinking that there is no possible way that you could ever become 'cool'. The truth is that many of us were raised by wolves so our idea of being cool consists of eating wild animals raw, and sleeping in caves. 


I was never the cool guy in high school or anywhere for that matter. I spent my time figuring out how to wear my pants above my belly button and how thick I could get my glasses. 1 inch. People used to call me squirrely Daniel. This is probably because I wore a large squirrel costume to school sometimes.  My point is this. No matter how hard I tried (and clearly I tried very hard), I just couldn't make it with the 'in' crowd. 

Before we delve into how to become cool, we need to make note of what makes a cool person 'cool'.

1. Wear your pants down to your knees, and if you can manage, wear them down at your ankles.

2. Always have a chain hanging from your back pocket to your front pocket. These chains are used to tie up bad guys and sling at your teachers when they are talking about going green (NO ONE CARES!).

3. Bling is a necessity. The more gold (its not real gold, its actually tin foil colored with a sharpie), and the more diamonds (plain rocks colored with crayons) you have, the hipper you'll be. 

4. Talk in very short sentences. For example, some girl that you really like walks up to you and says, "Hey Daniel, How are you doing?" Your reply would be, "Sup." She will probably proceed to tell you how much she loves your new boxers (which can be seen because your pants are down to the ground), or ask you out on a date. All of the girls will be in the bathroom giggling about how romantic you are. 

OK. So now that we have the basics down, we can begin being cool. 

Another possibility for being cool would be to join a club. No no no not a chess club! A sorority of some sort. In this case you will instantly become friends with hundreds of new people who just yesterday were shooting spit wads at the back of your head because your pants were too high. People will, get this, start calling you by your last name. Which brings up a good point. Your last name is waaaaay cooler than your first name. Unless of course you have a last name like, Weiner. In this case your probably better off not telling people you even have a last name. You can make up a story about how you came to earth from the planet Barple when you were ten. THEN, people will really like you. 

Desk Job

Posted by Daniel Mayfield 3 comments

So I created this blog about ten minutes ago and I have to admit that it looks a little barren.  Please DO NOT worry! Do not harm yourselves! And please do not harm any of those little fuzzy things called Barples!  In due time I will be winning the Nobel Peace Prize for ending world hunger through my blog.  Ok, on to the more important things.  I have been thinking a lot about what I want to do for a career. Hmm...Dog Whisperer?..No...Manicure Lady? No...Proctologist?..No...I just cant figure out what I want to do!  This is not to say that Dog Whisperers, and Proctologists aren't great people of course.  Although I know not what I will do, I have However, narrowed it down a little. I do not want to sit at a desk all day long. EWW!  I want to get out and enjoy life while I work.  Given that small cubicles with a six inch desk space, a bulletin board, and a couple of erasers make a very VERY scenic view (I think I would rather sit on the toilet all day...).  I am very interested in law enforcement, and the jobs that involve national parks. Perhaps a Forest Ranger would be a good fit.  I am not quite sure but I am sure of this one thing!  God, regardless of what career choice I make, will provide. 

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